A moustache (American English: mustache;[1] pronounced /məˈstɑːʃ/ in RP and /ˈmʌstæʃ/ in General American) is facial hair grown on the upper lip. The term implies that the wearer grows only upper-lip hair while shaving the hair on his chin and cheeks. Growth of facial hair around the whole face constitutes a beard.
-Wikipedia
Thanks to the Scythians and Peter Oberg
Had the ancient Iranians not depicted some sculpted lip fuzz in an old portrait in 300 B.C. we may not have the wonder that is the modern day mustache. And, had Peter Oberg (aka Dopeburger) not mentioned the possibility of covering mustaches over on the Original Top 11 List, this post may have remained locked in my brain.
Of course, once you are done digesting all of the mustachioed madness that follows, you may wish that neither had happened.
So, on we go with the next installment in the “This One Goes to 11″ series. Thank you Scythians and, more directly, thank you Pete.
Before we dive in, let me first say that there is absolutely no science in the list that follows. I conducted no polls, asked for no opinions and generally made no effort to verify if these are in fact the Top 11 Coolest Mustaches in History.
Fortunately, I couldn’t give two shits about the scientific accuracy of this list. Naturally, you are welcome to agree, disagree, debate. In fact, I encourage it. Bring your entry to the table and let’s give it a look-see. At the end of the day, though, this is my list, so this is what you get.
Alrighty then, let’s get it on!
Top 11 Coolest Mustaches in History
Attila the Hun
1. Attila the Hun’s “Hungarian” Mustache — According to history Attila the Hun ruled the Hunnic Empire, which stretched across most of Europe and into Asia, from 434 until his death in 453. During that time he gave the Romans, Visigoths and other kingdoms throughout Europe tremendous fits. The debate rages on about whether Attila the Hun was a ruthless barbarian or benevolent and noble king. In the West he is seen as a cruel tyrant, consumed by his lust for battle. In many Eastern countries he is seen as a hero. Regardless of which side you’re on, there is one thing we can all agree on. Sweet ‘stache, bro.
Errol Flynn
2. Errol Flynn’s “Pencil-Thin” Mustache — Despite the fact that Errol Flynn’s middle name is Leslie, he was still pretty badass. There are awfully few dudes out there who could rock some serious ascot action and look cool doing it. Of course, it helps when you are sporting a killer pencil thin mustache. Frankly, I’m surprised that Jimmy Buffet didn’t mention Flynn in his 1974 ode to the lip fuzz. I mean, he was both Captain Blood and Robin Hood and he has his own phrase. The fact that he wanted to title his autobiography In Like Me just makes him that much cooler. Although I haven’t seen any photographic evidence, I wouldn’t be surprised if Flynn had been born with that iconic pencil-thin.
Rollie Fingers
3. Rollie Fingers’ “Handlebar” Mustache — So let’s just forget about the fact that this cat is a Hall of Famer (inducted 1992) or that he was a World Series MVP (1974, Oakland A’s) or that he is one of only eight players to have his number retired with two separate teams (A’s & Brewers). Seriously, all of that stuff is top-notch, but it’s his ‘stache story that takes the cake and cements his place in this Top 11 List. Dude grew his mustache on a bet from A’s owner Charles Finley, patterned it after Snidely Whiplash, won 300 bones for it and became a member of the Oakland A’s “Mustache Gang”. Yeah, I know. Cool.
Dr. Fu Manchu
4. Dr. Fu Manchu’s “Fu-Manchu” Mustache — As I was doing my research I realized that it would be virtually impossible for me to recreate the awesomeness of Sax Rohmer’s original description of Dr. Fu Manchu: “Imagine a person, tall, lean and feline, high-shouldered, with a brow like Shakespeare and a face like Satan, … one giant intellect, with all the resources of science past and present … Imagine that awful being, and you have a mental picture of Dr. Fu-Manchu, the yellow peril incarnate in one man.” So, technically, this epitome of ass-kickiness is not an historical figure. Or is he? Perhaps he really was the leader of the Si-Fan. Don’t matter much in my book. The evil doctor gets his cool badge for spawning an excellent example of face fur.
Charlie Chaplin
5. Charlie Chaplin’s “Toothbrush” Mustache — OK. I know what you’re saying right now. “Hey Ironshef, isn’t that the same mustache that scumbag tyrants like Hitler and Mugabe sported?” Yes, it is. In the Toothbrush Mustache’s defense, it was Chaplin’s long before it was Hitler’s and certainly Mugabe’s. So, those jackasses can take a hike. As Richard Herring attempted to do in last year’s Hitler Moustache stand-up show, I am reclaiming the “soul ‘stache” for Chaplin. What makes it even cooler is that Chaplin didn’t actually have a mustache. He just wore the toothbrush for his bit in The Tramp. And again, for the record, The Tramp was made in 1915 at a time when Hitler was still wearing a huge kaiser-style mustache. You’re cool in my book, Charlie, and I’m givin’ you back your sweet ‘stache.
Wyatt Earp
6. Wyatt Earp’s “Walrus” Mustache — It’s a good thing that I didn’t commit to doing these mustaches in order of historical coolness, because I likely would have had to reorder them after researching The Walrus mustache. It has, quite possibly, the longest lists of bad asses attached to its history of any entry in this Top 11. It includes dudes like Teddy Roosevelt, David Crosby, Emiliano Zapata, George Custer and Captain Kangaroo. And, of course, Wyatt Earp. When you start something like the “Dodge City Peace Commission”, which basically means you’re gonna shoot a buncha bad-guys, you’re pretty damn cool, especially when all your buds are sporting sick Walrus mustaches.
GG Allin
7. GG Allin’s “GG” Mustache — This entry is really less cool and more crazy, at least with GG Allin as the poster boy, but it is making the list nonetheless. From the time of his birth in rural New Hampshire to his death in 1993 of a heroin overdose, this dude was nuts. I won’t go into all the gory details, but suffice it to say Allin was known for his outrageous views and even more outrageous live shows. Part of his mystique was the trademark mustache. More of an anti-mustache, which fit well with his overall outlook, the “GG” consisted primarily of two large tufts of hair at the outer edges of the lips with the interior shaved. It is also widely reported that Genghis Khan sported one of these. Ayup. Cool.
Salvadore Dali
8. Salvadore Dali’s “Dali” Mustache — Getting your inspiration for something as memorable as “soft clocks” from a piece of runny Camembert cheese is pretty damn cool, if you ask me. So is being so surreal that you invent your own mustache style. The “Dali” is definitely unique and way cool. You don’t find many folks more unique and eccentric than Dali. In fact, this guy got bounced from the fine arts university he attended in Madrid for telling the school faculty that they weren’t competent enough to test him. Stick it to the man, Salvadore! He showed them, certainly, achieving broad success that may be attributed to his almost limitless creativity across multiple media. Or, as I’m inclined to believe, it could be due to the kick-ass lip sweater.
Joe Namath
9. Joe Namath’s “Horseshoe” Mustache “Broadway” Joe will be remembered for a lot of things. His Super Bowl III victory, the 1985 Hall of Fame induction or his drunken advances on Suzy Kolber all come to mind. For me, though, it’s the super bad-ass Horseshoe Mustache. I mean, look at that thing. It’s so friggin’ cool that defensive lineman could probably sense its presence from the other side of the line of scrimmage. And really, when you think about it, that ‘stache is likely what gave Joe Willie the cojones to guarantee victory in the Super Bowl and then actually pull it off. Oh, and apologies to all the Hulkomaniacs out there, but the Hulkster doesn’t hold a candle to Big Joe.
Tom Selleck
10. Tom Selleck’s “Chevron” Mustache — Go ahead. Argue with me that Tom Selleck is cool. See? You lose. He’s cool. Way cool. And the coolness of Tom Selleck would be virtually null and void without the impressive Chevron Mustache that he wears. As Magnum P.I. this dude cruised around Hawaii in a Ferrari, blasted bad guys with his .45, blew shit up and scored tons of chicks. None of it would have been possible without the mustache. Selleck is quoted as saying, “I personally kept the hair removal industry on the brink of bankruptcy in the ’80s.” With that face fuzz, Tom, I believe every word of it.
The Ironshef
11. Bryon Sheffield’s “Ironshef” Mustache Oh c’mon. You didn’t really think that I would get all the way through a Top 11 List centered around mustaches and not use it as an opportunity to flaunt my own fantastic flavor saver? Our last entry could be argued as more than a mustache since it very closely resembles the classic goat’stache, but, well, who cares? As I mentioned before this is my list, my rules. Nanny-nanny-boo-boo. And this picture doesn’t even really do the ‘stache justice, but damnit that beer looks good. Right?
Let Your Mustache Ring Free!
So there you have it. My take on the Top 11 Coolest Mustaches in History. Enjoy its coolness. Let is sink in a little. Go grow a mustache, maybe (except for you ladies, unless you are down with the whole Frieda Kahlo thing).
And, if you are looking for some additional information on how cool the mustache truly is, please direct your attention to the American Mustache Institute. Those dudes are doing some really good work in bringing to light the plight of mustachioed men the world over.
With that thought, I’ll wrap up this installment in the “This One Goes to 11″ series and open the floor to any other suggestions on Top 11 Lists you’d like to see here at bryonsheffield.com. Oh, and thanks again, Pete, this one was definitely fun!
